I wanted to open up about something that many of you will probably understand and have gone through in your life, and maybe some of the things I've learned can help you.
As many of you know, I've been playing in bands and have been extremely involved in theater the last couple of years, and more recently have been taking voice lessons. It's fun, but that's not the point.
Anyone who knows me, knows I pretty much have always strived to be the center of attention. No beating around the bush, but I try not to be a jerk about it most of the time. In these moments, I was pretty much like a fish IN water. It just came naturally for me to perform in front of people.
Well lately starting in about September, I've been suffering from extreme anxiety with performances. Doesn't matter if I'm giving a 30 second speech or if I'm in a 3 hour musical, I feel it. My stomach turns into knots, my muscles tense up, my heart is racing a thousand beats a minute. One time, I tensed up so bad and that I couldn't sleep and my neck was stiff for 3 days after, and that was for one of those 30 sec speeches.
Feeling nervous is one thing, feeling actual pain is another. So I got scared. I went to a psychologist and had a session just discussing my newfound friend, anxiety.
Here's what I learned:
1. Anxiety is a natural reaction that occurs in everyone at some point in time. It's the bodies' overproduction of adrenaline and reaction to a stressful situation.
When your body gets stressed, it puts itself into a state that is ready to either fight or run. (Fight or Flight) by recognizing this, and making a conscientious decision to fight versus fly, I am able to think rationally through my anxiety spells. Also, finding processes to expel some of that excess adrenaline (like walking up and down stairs) helps as well. At least for me, maybe for you too.
2. This anxiety, for me, isn't a negative reaction to a situation. From what me and my doc could figure out, I'm having these attacks now versus earlier in life, simply because I care more now than I did back then. In previous experiences, it was a fun escape from... Well from nothing really, if we're being honest here. It was just fun. NOW, I care how I sound. I care how I portray a character. I'm finally giving my art the respect it deserves and in return I get this anxiety as a by-product. Awesome right?
3. Preparation is your friend. We are sometimes warned that over rehearsing and over prep can be harmful to our acting and singing, because we sometimes lose that "spur-of-the-moment" intricacies that make what we do fun. We are often told to be careful to not lose our emotional conveyance by becoming stale with repetitive rehearsing, but as a person with anxiety, this prep can be an ally you won't want to sacrifice. Sure, you may become a bit more rehearsed than others, and your lines may come across that way, but work harder. Get past the "my lines are memorized and I'll never mess them up" and get to a point that most dream of and that's the "not only will I not forget my lines, but all my emotions are well rehearsed as well and I'm gonna make everybody cry" maybe not that far, but what I'm TRYING to get at is this:
"A LINE SAID THAT SOUNDS OVER REHEARSED IS BETTER THAN A LINE NOT SAID AT ALL"
Maybe number three applies only to me, because dropping a line is definitely my number one fear, thus source of anxiety, but who cares. This is my post :)
So this is what I've learned and with the support systems that I have in family (mainly Anysah since she's the only one that knows... Oh hi everybody else!), And friends like Chavaleh, Lim, Nicolette, Juan, Bryan and others who are consistently pushing me to be better, I know I'll be fine.
"I will not go quietly into the night!" I will not vanish without a fight! Im going to live on! I'm going to survive! Today I celebrate my Independence Day!
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